I blog better when I'm drunk.

You know what's good? Moonshine and Diet Dr. Pepper. That's no lie. You know what's not good? Texas ice drivers. Driving in bad weather isn't that hard people. I've compiled a list of quick tips. I know all of these because I grew up where there's actually winter and treacherous driving.
Rules to Avoid Idiocy While Driving:
1-Drive slower than normal (unless you're over 70 then drive faster... you're going too slow.)
2-Drive faster than you would in an active school zone. There is such thing as too cautious. Driving 10 mph (miles per hour) while everybody else drives 25-30 puts everyone in danger.
3-When coming to a hill headed up DO NOT BRAKE you won't make it up the hill. You're going to need momentum on your side. Inertia is your friend.
4-When coming to a hill headed down DO NOT BRAKE it's ice just let off the gas and let the transmission go to work. If you start to go too fast go ahead and lightly tap the brakes, but if the wheels stop spinning you've pressed too hard.
5-Do not press the gas while changing lanes or turning a corner. Turning + accelerating + icy roads = certain doom. You can't argue with physics.
6-This is a 2 parter: If you hit an ice patch and start to skid A. Put the car in neutral. Pushing the gas will spin your tires and is unnecessary. Pushing the brakes stops the tires from spinning and is unnecessary. If your car is in neutral when you get off the ice the tires will catch the road and spin just like they're supposed to. B. Turn the wheel into the skid. You're going to need your back end to be in line with the front end AND the road simultaneously. Conversely, if you haven't put it in neutral you run the risk of flipping your car when you hit a patch that's not ice. You'll need your tires to spin when you get back to road.
7- If you're afraid of ice driving STAY OFF THE ROAD. Being afraid of driving makes you drive like an idiot.
8- If you disagree with me saying "Driving in bad weather isn't hard people". Please refer to rule 7.

America The Great Part II: Land of Equal Opportunity.

 The freedom and equality we have in this country is a gift and a curse.

 Jimmy "Rent is too Damn High" McMillan... I doubt you'll find a politician with a more ridiculous moniker. Mr. McMillan has his eyes set on being the President of the United States. Unfortunately for him the "Rent is too Damn High Party" isn't exactly prominent at the moment. I truly hope he doesn't find his way into a party that would give him a legitimate shot or I, unwillingly, will be forced to put my faith in the American public to make a good decision on an important issue once again.
People, I beg you, please get smart. We as a country can ill afford to have another idiot in charge of our homeland. I have no problem with a black man running our country. I have no problem with a black man that looks like the doppelganger of Colonel Sanders and has a fiery personality.  My problem lies in the fact he's going to choose his Vice President on the grounds "He's a good liar. People look at him and laugh.". Here, all this time, I've been under the impression you needed an education and a certain level of experience to acquire a position like that.
I'm not even sure that's the dumbest thing he said in the interview I read. When speaking of John Edwards he says "He cheated on his wife and all this stuff. We know everybody does that anyway." Genius.
Just what our country needs, a man with no family values. As if there aren't enough of those in congress already. I don't want to hear people say "he's just brutally honest" either. Saying somebody is brutally honest is code for "that guy is an asshole."
I love the idea that everybody in America is equal, but unfortunately that's only accurate to a certain extent. The fact is some people are more talented, some people are smarter, some people just flat out work everybody, and some people get to positions of power they should be nowhere near. I haven't studied Jimmy to any sort of depth, but what he shows on the surface: looks, grammar, poor sentence structure, the name of his political party, and the fact he thinks losing a race for governor qualifies him for an attempt at the Presidency says a thing or two about his level of intelligence.
Below is the link to his interview in the Huffington Post.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/29/newsmaker-interview-jimmy-rent-is-too-damn-high-mcmillan/

Part 1 of "Probably Going to be Continued"

Good evening friend! (singular and much more personal). I know that I'd previously promised explosions and romanticism, but there is only going to be explosions as I reveal my first ever "Probably Going To Be Continued Blog "Series"".

Part 1-Addicted to America. I love watching TV. I've come to find the reason shows like Jersey Shore are so popular and keep random bloggers constantly making fun of them is, they make people feel good about themselves. They watch that train wreck and can't take their eyes off it. They know they would never do any of those things and take pleasure in watching the dumb get dumber on "reality" TV.  I'm going to use a similar concept to try and get you guys to feel great about America. I'm making it my personal responsibility to open some eyes to how fortunate we are. I call it the Jerry Springer Effect.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/359538

Wow. Egypt sucks. I had no idea things were even close to this kind of chaos. In typical American fashion I though all the Egyptians were happily constructing pyramids in their fancy gold loin clothes and funny sphinx hats. As I read through the article I started to feel a sense of guilty relief.  I couldn't come up with a situation in my head where the US government would need to completely shut down internet and cell phone activity so citizens couldn't communicate protest hotspots. It gets really good when, despite having to launch tear gas at 10's of thousands of people, the president assured everybody things were under control and Egypt's citizens were in good hands. Good hands?!? Obviously he doesn't realize it's still in the hands of the people who are responsible for systematically driving the country into poverty and despair over the last 30 years.
Finally, my favorite part of the article was subtle and made my point for me. As you get toward the end, the gentleman who wrote the article sneaks in a single off topic sentence "Think you know the middle east? Take our geography quiz."  I was astonished... there is disaster within what's stated as "one of our closest allies in the middle east" and they're  more concerned with getting hits on their new geography quiz website.
Yes, what is going on in Egypt is horrific and I want no part of it, but damn, I sure am happy I don't have to worry about  having tear gas fired at me or worse.... no internet or cell phone!

to be continued....

Serious Emotional Disaster.

Dear Reader,
I thought I'd go with "Reader" so everybody that reads this blog gets mentioned and everybody that doesn't can go to hell! Ha. Got em'.
After writing my blog about my emotional deficiencies I realized something, I'm a wreck.... or as the title suggested a serious emotional disaster. Do you ever have those moments that make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself? I believe they're called "coming to Jesus thoughts". I want to tell Jesus I came (ha ha), but I digress.
Ever since that blog I've been paying close attention to my own thoughts and actions. Normally I'd be paying attention to other peoples body language and actions, but those have taken a back seat to myself. I've realized every now and then it's important to be selfish and do a little self preservation. Unfortunately that's as far as I've gotten. Now I need to figure out where to go from here. Usually when it comes to myself I have a short memory, but this conflict is turning into an epic struggle. It's unbelievably similar to the struggle we're going through with health care reform... or it's not the same in any way what soever, but who's keeping track.
Speaking of health care reform. I don't understand how people can be so mad at Obama about that one issue and say his presidency has been poor. He inherited a pile of shit and the economy is picking back up yet, somehow, he's the worst president ever, ever.
Well, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but I will say it comes to an inspiring twist turn which resembles that of my own life. Thank you for reading my random thoughts. I promise the next one will be better. I'm going to find a way to make my blog have explosions for the guys and romanticism for the ladies. Can you believe romanticism is actually a word????

Peace!

From the heart.

Often times I struggle with my blog motivation. I'm undecided on whether I should just choose a topic and stick specifically to that or if I should just continue down the path I'm on and blog about random things that I find ridiculous.
Speaking of ridiculous, do you know McDonald's now had a 50 piece chicken nugget for sale? What's worse, it's only $9.99. I keep trying to convince myself the public knows better than to go get 50 chicken nuggets, but not even I am that convincing. This is the public that anoints idiots as "royalty" simply because not only are they dysfunctional, but they're dysfunctional on TV!
I have a pretty good feeling if you wrote a book called "Jersey Shore" and told the story of a bunch of morons and sluts that tan, workout, drink, and fight all the time.... well, I was going to say it wouldn't be cool, but that book sounds pretty awesome. Maybe Jersey Shore is like the sport of Fencing and it's only cool on paper. The object of Fencing is to see which guy can stab the other 50 times, but if you've ever watched it there's only 1 adjective to accurately describe what you see.... (insert your choice of female anatomy here). I initially was going to use "gay", but didn't want to upset my audience of that lifestyle because I think they're great and should get married.
I'm not really sure how this turned from McDonald's to Jersey Shore to Fencing, but you'll live.

I bid thee farewell.

Coping Skills?? I have booze.

As you've probably learned, I love to talk about myself! I used to think the only thing I wasn't good at was being bad at stuff, but today I learned that I lack certain skills. Not like nun-chuck skills or other various skills that require physicality. I appear to lack certain social and communication skills. I've been looking for them, but can't find the rock they're hiding under. I'm going to compile a list of these skills and if you have any idea of their whereabouts please let me know.

Compliments. No thank you. I will be neither giving or receiving any of those I honestly don't know how. I think I only know how to give sideways compliments like "Hey, I'm glad you aren't ugly." or "That dress looks good on you, but it would look GREAT on me!". I'm even worse at taking compliments. All compliments given to me are followed by awkward silence and a half hearted "thanks".

Listening. Usually I don't really care to hear what others have to say because I'll probably have to think of a compliment to give them after they tell me their 1 upper story. Listen (not like me), I don't want to hear a story better than the one I told. If I were fishing for that I'd just ask if you had any good stories I wouldn't strategically tell a story because I knew you had a better one of similar origins.

Talking. I don't want to talk things out. I'll only enter an arguement in which I know I'm right. Duh, it's called "strategery". Also, refer to article 2 of "things I'm lacking".... if there's something that needs to be talked out, I'm not going to listen to what you have to say anyway.

Having feelings. I'm basically a robot incapable of experiencing normal human emotions such as: joy, happiness, sadness, anger, or even confusion. Mostly because every time I feel one of them starting to creep up I hit the bottle. That's right, who needs coping skills when booze is so readily available.

Typically I would proof read this, but since I don't have any booze at the house I'm going to have to skip that step. Something I've written may stir up some hidden emotion I'm, at this point and time, completely unaware of. If you find any spelling errors please let me know.... those I'll listen to.

Death Metal Compilation

I love music. I listen to all kinds of music and I'm not one of those people that says "I listen to everything", but then everything you list they don't like. I actually listen to everything! except for Black Eyed Peas (gay), Red Hot Chili Peppers (overplayed), Greenday (won't die), and NEW Metallica (gay,over played, and won't die). My preference, however, is some serious Thrash Metal. Basically, if it has wailing guitars there's good chance I'd like to hear it.
To get to the point, I was watching television earlier and one of those commercials for classic compilation CD's came on. It made me realize something very important. There could never be a TV commercial about a classic Thrash Metal compilation. Nobody would buy it simply because it has no marketability. Here, let me show you.

Opening scene: A fire is flickering. There is a lovely young couple sipping wine and sitting on a bear skin rug gazing directly into each others eyes. In comes the announcer.

"Moments like these are meant to be savored. What better way then with a collection of classic tunes?"

The couple raises their glasses to make a toast as back ground music starts to get louder.

"Yes, nothing completes an evening quite like Face Melter. This collection of memorable hits will do more than just soothe and relax, it'll make your ears bleed. Featuring hits such as "Slit Your Own Throat", "People = Shit", and who could forget the timeless classic "Black Hearts Now Reign". I know I can't nor would I even want to."

See? The song titles make it damn near impossible. On top of that the people in the bands are hideous and should never be seen on television unless your watching "LA Ink" or "Intervention".
Last but not least, yes, those are actual song titles.